Serena and Chowder used to tease me for having such a “perfect life” and even though I know it’s far from the truth, I never really bothered to correct them. They’re both one of my closest friends and I think that says a lot about me. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I don’t like airing my laundry to the public, even to the few people I trust. I think that it’s somehow like a defense mechanism of mine. I’m fine with them seeing me all happy and perfect even when I’m really not. I can’t fake what I feel about other people but I can fake what I feel myself.
Just how sad is that? Never really letting anyone in. Never trusting anyone enough. Never having anyone. Not only that but I’m also one to constantly push people away. I always find myself losing friends or drifting apart from people. Most of the time, I just lose touch with them - not that they lacked effort but it’s really just me. I’m the problem and I always have problems.
I find that it’s just really hard to be me - especially that I’m not particularly a likeable person at all. So, the few people who accept me.. I push away and I just can’t help it. Whenever I find myself being close with someone even only a little, I panic and then my walls instantly go up.
And then, you know, it’s just me again.
